Finding Real Love

I was engaged a few years ago. Obsessed with getting a sparkly ring on my finger, I ignored the signs the person who put it there was expressing to show he really wasn't ready for that type of commitment. Truthfully, he wasn't ready for any type of commitment. It was a long distance relationship that I thought was based on friendship, love and respect; but quickly learned that it was built on deceit, lies and distrust. His true colors were revealed early on, but I didn't want to fully believe my own instincts. When the relationship ended, I was devastated. My pride was crushed because I failed. I ignored the smoke signals, and before long the entire foundation was engulfed in fire.

After a few months of feeling sorry for myself, I immersed myself in a new relationship. Focusing on redeeming myself as a failure, I blindly accepted more deception into my heart. Clearly from the first date, this man was not the one God ordained for me (he showed up drunk and fell asleep in the movie). And while I knew that, I put myself in a situation where I ended up binding myself to my failure to acknowledge deception by getting pregnant. This took the relationship (and deception) to another level. Of course, I wanted it to work for the sake of our child. However, I knew deep down it wouldn't. How could it? We were not even committed to each other, so how could we, as a couple, be committed to a child? Believe me, I wanted it to work. I was just the only one who sincerely wanted that. My guess is that he felt obligated (even though I told him he didn't have to be with me just because) and wanted to continue to keep up his facade as the good guy. Getting pregnant made it hard to let go and our daughter being born prematurely made it nearly impossible. She was so tiny and fragile, we didn't know if she would survive and as a result, we needed each other for comfort and support. Thankfully, she received the right care and today she's a thriving toddler that you would never know only weighed two pounds and four ounces at birth. And once he realized she would be fine, he went back to his original MO - drink, cheat, lie...repeat.

That's when I discovered who truly loved me and what real love was about. Throughout all of my relationships, I've always had a relationship with God. I was raised going to church, I'm saved and baptized. But I never fully understood God's love until now. I don't wholly blame myself for the failed relationships I've been in. Growing up in a single parent home and being sexually molested as a child contributed to me latching on to men who didn't have my best interest at heart. But my journey through my life's experiences has led me down a path where the meaning of real love has become clear. It's the pain I felt when I left my daughter every night for five weeks while she was under the care of NICU staff. It's the sacrifice I made when I took guardianship of my niece and nephew from state custody. It's the comfort I get from my mother's unconditional love. And it's the joy I feel when I read John 3:16 or Psalm 23. Finding real love has taught me to cling to what's real and remain focused on it. Real love is unselfish, unconditional, steadfast, encouraging, nourishing and fulfilling. That's how I feel when I read His words, when I look in my children's eyes, when I hear my mother's voice and when I forgive myself.