Today as I was reading Lamentations, I felt the pain of the author. Though we may be mourning different things, I understood the pain and anguish of loss. In the text, Jeremiah mourns the loss and devastation of Jerusalem and compares it to a weeping widow (Lamentations 1: 1-2). I am mourning a loss also.
Nothing I recently lost, but the realization that it is gone. It's strange that you can lose something and never fully acknowledge it until you receive clear indications of its' absence. Not only is it gone, but there's no fight for it or defense of it. All you know is that your strength is depleted, your spirit lacks restoration, and your soul is at unrest. The disappointment that you have failed in some way is overwhelming. And as you wallow in your grief, you wonder how you will recover (what you've lost)?
Jerusalem had fallen to its enemies and they destroyed the entire city including the temples, palaces and the people. But despite it all, Jeremiah still had hope. In their darkest hour, Jeremiah told them to remember what they lost and why, but still remain hopeful.
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope (Lamentations 3: 19-21 NIV)
And he told them why they should remain hopeful.
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; there I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. (Lamentations 3 22-26 NIV)
Clearly, there is recovery in hope. It's not an easy task to move past pain and anguish, but it's a move you must make to restore your strength, your will and your self. I am not going to allow my grief to consume me and I will recover what I've lost. I may not find it in the same place I lost it, but it will be mine again and I am thankful God has put in on my heart to do so.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23 NIV)
Monday, November 19, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Finding Real Love
I was engaged a few years ago. Obsessed with getting a sparkly ring on my finger, I ignored the signs the person who put it there was expressing to show he really wasn't ready for that type of commitment. Truthfully, he wasn't ready for any type of commitment. It was a long distance relationship that I thought was based on friendship, love and respect; but quickly learned that it was built on deceit, lies and distrust. His true colors were revealed early on, but I didn't want to fully believe my own instincts. When the relationship ended, I was devastated. My pride was crushed because I failed. I ignored the smoke signals, and before long the entire foundation was engulfed in fire.
After a few months of feeling sorry for myself, I immersed myself in a new relationship. Focusing on redeeming myself as a failure, I blindly accepted more deception into my heart. Clearly from the first date, this man was not the one God ordained for me (he showed up drunk and fell asleep in the movie). And while I knew that, I put myself in a situation where I ended up binding myself to my failure to acknowledge deception by getting pregnant. This took the relationship (and deception) to another level. Of course, I wanted it to work for the sake of our child. However, I knew deep down it wouldn't. How could it? We were not even committed to each other, so how could we, as a couple, be committed to a child? Believe me, I wanted it to work. I was just the only one who sincerely wanted that. My guess is that he felt obligated (even though I told him he didn't have to be with me just because) and wanted to continue to keep up his facade as the good guy. Getting pregnant made it hard to let go and our daughter being born prematurely made it nearly impossible. She was so tiny and fragile, we didn't know if she would survive and as a result, we needed each other for comfort and support. Thankfully, she received the right care and today she's a thriving toddler that you would never know only weighed two pounds and four ounces at birth. And once he realized she would be fine, he went back to his original MO - drink, cheat, lie...repeat.
That's when I discovered who truly loved me and what real love was about. Throughout all of my relationships, I've always had a relationship with God. I was raised going to church, I'm saved and baptized. But I never fully understood God's love until now. I don't wholly blame myself for the failed relationships I've been in. Growing up in a single parent home and being sexually molested as a child contributed to me latching on to men who didn't have my best interest at heart. But my journey through my life's experiences has led me down a path where the meaning of real love has become clear. It's the pain I felt when I left my daughter every night for five weeks while she was under the care of NICU staff. It's the sacrifice I made when I took guardianship of my niece and nephew from state custody. It's the comfort I get from my mother's unconditional love. And it's the joy I feel when I read John 3:16 or Psalm 23. Finding real love has taught me to cling to what's real and remain focused on it. Real love is unselfish, unconditional, steadfast, encouraging, nourishing and fulfilling. That's how I feel when I read His words, when I look in my children's eyes, when I hear my mother's voice and when I forgive myself.
After a few months of feeling sorry for myself, I immersed myself in a new relationship. Focusing on redeeming myself as a failure, I blindly accepted more deception into my heart. Clearly from the first date, this man was not the one God ordained for me (he showed up drunk and fell asleep in the movie). And while I knew that, I put myself in a situation where I ended up binding myself to my failure to acknowledge deception by getting pregnant. This took the relationship (and deception) to another level. Of course, I wanted it to work for the sake of our child. However, I knew deep down it wouldn't. How could it? We were not even committed to each other, so how could we, as a couple, be committed to a child? Believe me, I wanted it to work. I was just the only one who sincerely wanted that. My guess is that he felt obligated (even though I told him he didn't have to be with me just because) and wanted to continue to keep up his facade as the good guy. Getting pregnant made it hard to let go and our daughter being born prematurely made it nearly impossible. She was so tiny and fragile, we didn't know if she would survive and as a result, we needed each other for comfort and support. Thankfully, she received the right care and today she's a thriving toddler that you would never know only weighed two pounds and four ounces at birth. And once he realized she would be fine, he went back to his original MO - drink, cheat, lie...repeat.
That's when I discovered who truly loved me and what real love was about. Throughout all of my relationships, I've always had a relationship with God. I was raised going to church, I'm saved and baptized. But I never fully understood God's love until now. I don't wholly blame myself for the failed relationships I've been in. Growing up in a single parent home and being sexually molested as a child contributed to me latching on to men who didn't have my best interest at heart. But my journey through my life's experiences has led me down a path where the meaning of real love has become clear. It's the pain I felt when I left my daughter every night for five weeks while she was under the care of NICU staff. It's the sacrifice I made when I took guardianship of my niece and nephew from state custody. It's the comfort I get from my mother's unconditional love. And it's the joy I feel when I read John 3:16 or Psalm 23. Finding real love has taught me to cling to what's real and remain focused on it. Real love is unselfish, unconditional, steadfast, encouraging, nourishing and fulfilling. That's how I feel when I read His words, when I look in my children's eyes, when I hear my mother's voice and when I forgive myself.
Friday, October 12, 2012
He's the One
I have someone in my life. And He means the world to me. No one can love me like He can and be so many things to me. He doesn't give me everything I want, but He gives me everything I need. He wakes me up every morning with a kiss of sunshine. He's with me all day long enveloping me in His comforting arms. Every night I fall asleep resting in His embrace. His love for me is greater than any I've known.
Our relationship didn't get to this place without a lot of hard work by both of us. You see, I've fallen many times. I know I've disappointed Him. I haven't always depended on Him like I should. Sometimes I've even yelled and screamed at Him. But no matter what I say or do, He still loves me - unconditionally. When I realized that, I started working on my part of the relationship. I've had to pay attention to what He's said and make sure we spend time together each and every day. I've had to learn to depend on Him in all things and thank Him for the good and the bad. Many of these things I still struggle with, but as I grow closer to Him I'm beginning to see that the harder I work, the more He blesses my life.
This love has brought me to a place where earthly problems don't hurt as much as they use to. You can say what you want about me or to me and you won't change a thing. Yes, I still feel pain, but when I remember who holds my heart and orders my steps, all the pain fades away and a smile returns to my face. I've been through a lot of bad situations. Some of them I never thought I would get over or get out of. But even when our love wasn't this strong, He still made a way for me. How could I not return such a precious gift? How could I not tell you about it?
This blog is an account of our love story. Through which I plan to show how much He loves me and how I'm learning to believe, accept and trust His love anew. Pushing aside past hurts, disappointments and frustrations, I'm working towards giving myself fully to Him. And I do this knowing - through His word and His actions - He will be with me, guiding me to a place where I can rest in complete joy.
Our relationship didn't get to this place without a lot of hard work by both of us. You see, I've fallen many times. I know I've disappointed Him. I haven't always depended on Him like I should. Sometimes I've even yelled and screamed at Him. But no matter what I say or do, He still loves me - unconditionally. When I realized that, I started working on my part of the relationship. I've had to pay attention to what He's said and make sure we spend time together each and every day. I've had to learn to depend on Him in all things and thank Him for the good and the bad. Many of these things I still struggle with, but as I grow closer to Him I'm beginning to see that the harder I work, the more He blesses my life.
This love has brought me to a place where earthly problems don't hurt as much as they use to. You can say what you want about me or to me and you won't change a thing. Yes, I still feel pain, but when I remember who holds my heart and orders my steps, all the pain fades away and a smile returns to my face. I've been through a lot of bad situations. Some of them I never thought I would get over or get out of. But even when our love wasn't this strong, He still made a way for me. How could I not return such a precious gift? How could I not tell you about it?
This blog is an account of our love story. Through which I plan to show how much He loves me and how I'm learning to believe, accept and trust His love anew. Pushing aside past hurts, disappointments and frustrations, I'm working towards giving myself fully to Him. And I do this knowing - through His word and His actions - He will be with me, guiding me to a place where I can rest in complete joy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)